October 26, 2009

22. Week Two.

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:25 pm by dawnfields310

Let’s just call this “week two” because I’ve been away for a while.  I’m sorry to say that my addiction to tv shows has been replaced with movies.  Blockbuster is running a special through the holidays where if you rent 3 movies you get a popcorn, two drinks and two boxes of candy all for around $15.

I hate to say it but I’ve been going there every day.  I still feel like I have to fill up that little black box with “something”.  The house is still so lonely and empty and I just haven’t been able to muster up the balls to do other things.  It’s so ingrained in me that I just want to sit in front of the tv and watch stuff.  It’s really bad.

Hopefully, after seeing enough movies I’ll get past it, but it won’t be easy.


October 19, 2009

21. DAY EIGHT: Not much to say…

Posted in Uncategorized at 6:01 pm by dawnfields310

There isn’t much I can say about today.  It was pretty productive and I’m still feeling great.  I’m thinking that this was a really good idea and I wish I had done it sooner.  I just hope it lasts and that I don’t have any more meltdowns.

Night time is approaching however and  I think I’m going to have to rent a few more movies.  I’m still not sure what to do with myself sometimes at night. I have some plans later in the week but tonight there’s nothing going on.  I’m afraid it might be a tough night to get through if I don’t find some things to fill the time with.  Perhaps I’ll watch a movie and then read.  I’m feeling kind of tired, so going out isn’t really an option.

October 18, 2009

20. DAY SEVEN: Interesting…

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:59 pm by dawnfields310

I got a lot done today, even though I went to bed late and got up at noon.  It’s almost 8:00p now and I think I can fill the rest of the night with things to do.  I have one more movie to watch from BB and then I’ll probably try and get to bed early as there are a lot of things I want to accomplish tomorrow.

I’ll be honest, I was really starting to think that drinking, partying and playing poker were the biggest deterrents and problem areas in my life (and trust me, I will be addressing them soon), but I am absolutely blown away with how much I am accomplishing and how much more whole and worthy I already feel without my television.  My fearlessness is starting to return and it feels great.

So great in fact that I don’t want to discuss some of the things I was going to talk about tonight.  But soon I would like to share some very personal and very painful details about my life that will hopefully explain why only a few months ago I almost committed suicide.

You can’t understand where I’m trying to go…until you know where I’ve been.

19. DAY SIX: A good day.

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:49 pm by dawnfields310

Well, I am very glad I went to the seminar.  It was very long (8 hours) and they didn’t even provide us with water or adequate breaks.  I’ve never seen anything like that before.  Anyway, like I suspected, I already know most of the material but there were a few gems and it made me feel good about how much I know.  Also, the instructor told us that he knows of some viable avenues for documentary funding, so I’ll definitely follow up on that as two of my three docs need finishing funds.

Afterward I went to a home game to see Steve (my ex boyfriend) and hung out for a while.  I had passed by the Hollywood Strip on my way there and was excited by all the action and wanted to come back.

I played a few hands of cash while Steve finished up his tourney.  When he was done he came to the table and bought in.  But I said, “Hey, wanna get out of here?”  He said “yes” and for the first time in four years I got up from the table voluntarily…and with money and left in the middle of a game to go do something else.  Now that’s progress!  (If you knew me, you’d understand what a big step that is!  LOL)

We walked the strip, had a great dinner and came home and watched “The Proposal” on DVD.  It was so formulaic that Steve swore all night he had seen it before.  A year ago.   LOL

October 17, 2009

18. DAY FIVE: Oh happy day.

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:05 am by dawnfields310

Late yesterday I found out about a film production seminar that’s happening today. I had to think about it a bit because it’s not free.  But I figure this is a good first step toward staying focused and getting my film career back on track.

I think I might know most of the material because it sounds like a fairly basic class.  But hopefully I’ll be surprised.  When I first moved to LA nine years ago I would attend every seminar, class, workshop, screening, anything where I could learn, get inspired and meet other filmmakers.  I would always take away something positive from every event.

The last four or five years have been particularly hard on me however and I stopped putting myself out there.  And that has contributed a great deal to my depression.  So I’m excited about today’s event and I’m sure it will be worth the effort.  See?  I’m already filling my wasted tv time with productive things.  Yay!

October 16, 2009

17. Okay, here’s the thing….

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:25 pm by dawnfields310

Aside from my baby meltdown at the sandwich shop, I have been feeling amazing today.  I was recently hired to produce a short film for a guy I had interviewed for a documentary (long stories on all of that, I’m sure we’ll get to it).

We had a production meeting via the telephone today and it went really well. Got me pumped up.  It reminded me that I am smart and do have a lot to offer. One of the reasons I have been shutting myself off, self-destructing and hiding behind the bottle and the tv, is I’ve lost a great of confidence in myself.  The entertainment industry is known to chew you up and spit you out.  It’s fed on me for quite some time.

You have to have a very thick skin out here in LA and I’ve had a hard time building myself up.  So even though there is very little upfront money, I need this film project and I need to feel valuable again.  Staying focused and motivated has been one of my biggest challenges in the last few years.

That’s one of the biggest reasons this experiment is so important to me.  I have to stop getting distracted and focus, or I’ll never get out of the mess I’ve gotten myself into.  I will eventually tell you all about it, but there just might not be enough cyberspace to hold all the mistakes I’ve made.

Anyway, even though money is tight and there are some bills I need to pay, there is a production seminar tomorrow and I signed up for it.  It’s not that much money and I think it will do wonders to help me stay on the right track and finally get serious about the things I want in life.  It’s pretty basic and I probably know most of the material as I have been producing for years, but I always benefit in some way from these things, even if it’s networking.

16. Flashing backward.

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:24 pm by dawnfields310

Okay, so going out of my way to see FF is not such a good idea.  I mean the only thing worse than watching an hour of television is watching an hour of television and driving an hour and half to get there.

I mean one of the objectives here is to resist the urge to follow the shows, right?Arggg.  Although it’s killing me that I won’t know if Antonio Sabato, Jr. picks Brooke or Miranda. Oy!  Thank goodness I’m making an attempt to get a life.

15. Feeling better.

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:25 pm by dawnfields310

Went to Quiznos.  Burst into tears at the counter.  I had on sunglasses so the cashier didn’t notice.  I pulled it together and pushed on.  Bought a new pair of pants and was excited until I got home to find that they’re too short.  Oh well.  Just venting now.

I’ve been busy in the office for the last 3 hours and haven’t thought about the tv once.  Yay!  Until now.  Damn.   Now I’m thinking about it.  But you know what, I got a lot done and I feel focused.  Days aren’t really that bad, it’s the night time that gets tough.  But I have plenty to do and some plans tonight so I’m anticipating a drama free day.  We’ll see.

Damn, I just realized I missed Flash Forward last night.  I think my friend recorded it though.  Might be time to drop by for a friendly visit.  hehe  Hey, I didn’t say I’d never watch tv again.  I just can’t have it in my house.

14. I feel like a complete loser.

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:36 am by dawnfields310

It just hit me what a loser I am.  I should be able to afford frickin’ cable, for Christ sake.  I’m a grown woman.  Pathetic.  Also, why can’t I control my urges?  Why can’t I be a normal person and monitor my viewing?  If it weren’t for this experiment I think I’d just go shoot myself.  I feel physically sick.

And I thought it would be easy, that they would just come get all the stuff.  But no.  She’s sending me a bunch of boxes and I have to do it myself.  Three receivers and a big ol satellite dish.  That’s going to be a fun day.

I have to get out of here.  Go take a walk or something.

13. DAY FOUR: It’s like they’re selling me crack.

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:32 am by dawnfields310

Okay, so today I finally decided to take the big plunge and make this official. I called Dish to come pick up the equipment.  Once they do, it’s really over. The conversation went something like this:

Flunky #1: Operator 216, how may I help you?

Addict (me): Yes, I’d like to disconnect my service and have you come pick up the equipment.

F:  (sounding surprised) Really?  Ma’am what seems to the problem out there?

A: Um…well, actually, I’ve decided to stop watching television.

Silence.  Like he’s never heard this one before.

F: Uh, was there something wrong with the service?

A:  Well…yes, but I guess it doesn’t matter now, I can’t afford it anyway.


F: Well Ma’am you know we have several different packages and maybe we can get you on a different plan.

A:  (swallowing hard) No, that’s okay, I think I’d just like to have it gone.

F:  We see you’ve been a great customer for over six years, are you sure there’s nothing we can do for you?  We hate to lose you as a valued customer.

A:  I’m sure, but thank you for asking.  (sigh)

F: (thinks for a moment)  May I put you on hold?

I am imagining sirens and red lights as he pushes a big red button, “We’ve got a live one!”  A  few minutes later his supervisor (aka the Head of Sales) gets on the phone. He’s brought in the big guns.

HOS:  Hello, Ma’am this is Nina, how may I assist you today?

A: (taking a different approach) Well I haven’t really been happy with the service.  I can’t record more than two shows at a time and can’t watch and record at the same time.  Plus (thrown in for good measure) I can’t afford it anymore.

HOS: Well ma’am I see here that the receiver you have is quite outdated.  We have newer systems that can record 2 shows at once and you can watch and record at the same time.  Would you like to me to set you up with that?

A: (palms sweating, head spinning.  I didn’t dare tell her it’s been my lifelong dream to watch and record)  Ummmm.   (literally speachless)  I don’t think….

HOS:  I’ll be happy to discount that package $20 a month for you if that will help.

Oh she’s good.  Long silence.

A: (spinning head finally stopping) That’s okay I think I’ll just have you guys come and get it.

HOS:  Well Ma’am I see you’ve been a valued customer for over six years, we’d hate to lose you, is there some kind of plan we can get you on today?

Are you serious?

A: I don’t think so.  I would like for to you just come and get it.

HOS:  Alright, Ma’am hold just a moment.

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